Written by: Charlotte Gosden

Whatever your profession, if you’re working from home or have been furloughed, one thing is for certain, we’ve all been spending significantly more time at home than likely ever before.

For any couple, an increase in the amount of contact time they have, as well as navigating other changes within their lives, can be stressful. It can often lead to magnification of smaller problems and the sudden removal of the time spent apart as dictated by ‘normal life’, can feel as though any ‘honeymoon period’ that they were perhaps previously experiencing, is over.

It may be that one begins to notice certain negative behaviours, particularly in relation to communication, that are making the relationship challenging. These behaviours can often lead to distress and in severe circumstances the possibility of separation or divorce.

Relationship ‘Red Flags’

So, what kind of behaviours are we talking about? A model by John Gottman (1) perfectly illustrates some of these communication styles that may be considered ‘red flags’ that can lead to challenges in a relationship, and in many cases predicting the breakdown of it. He named these the ‘Four Horsemen’.

The first of these communication styles is Criticism. This specifically relates to criticism of a partner’s whole being and character, rather than a complaint about something a partner did, or did not do.

The second is Contempt. This type of communication style involves one partner placing themselves in a position of moral superiority. Practically, this looks like mocking, ridicule, sarcasm and generally treating the other with little respect.

The third is Defensiveness. This is not an unusual trait of many individuals however, when put in a position where a relationship is already on the rocks, this can transform into hostile defensiveness and often blame aimed at the other party.

The last is Stonewalling. This often occurs in response to the above stated communication styles, in which one party withdraws from communicating altogether. This can translate into ignoring their partner, acting busy or physically turning away.

It is worth pointing out that heightened versions of such behaviours are also associated with a specific personality disorder, Narcissism. Narcissists have an inflated sense of their own importance, lack empathy for others and feel a deep need for attention and admiration.

Psychologically speaking, these communication styles and behaviours are without doubt damaging to a relationship as well as personal wellbeing, particularly when combined.

Although research has suggested that if a person uses all of these communication styles within a relationship, they are likely to face separation or divorce, there are some steps one could take to manage and maintain the relationship.

Making Positive Changes

To reduce Defensiveness in a relationship it is helpful to first release tension when confronting issues. By speaking gently and calling a ‘time out’ if tension rises, the other party is given time for understanding in a calm environment, meaning the likelihood of a defensive reaction is reduced.

With regards to the tackling of Contempt, one may begin by creating a culture of appreciation and respect within the relationship. By actively practicing gratification and appreciation the relationship begins to build an expectation of mutual respect and therefore reduces the negative aspects of contempt.

To combat the issue of Criticism, confrontation of the issue is necessary. By halting any retaliations and speaking gently but directly about how it makes one feel, an understanding of the issue can be developed.

Stonewalling is often hard to combat due to the very nature of avoidance. But by talking calmly rather than yelling, as well as using ‘I’ statements rather than ‘you’, Stonewalling may begin to soften.

For those who believe they may be living with a Narcissist, things may be a little more difficult to resolve. It may be beneficial for one to practice self-compassion and self-worth so as to reduce the likelihood of falling victim to the Narcissist’s damaging behaviour. It may also help to recognise and understand the fragility of their partner’s self-esteem as a cover up for insecurity.

Seeking Specialist Help

Such practices may indeed improve aspects of a relationship. However, particularly with the pressures of this COVID 19-world, one must accept that it is also unlikely that these practices will wholly ‘fix’ a relationship, particularly if they are intensely damaging to an individual’s wellbeing. If you find yourself in this situation we can help. Our experienced solicitors are available to listen and handle the legal side of your predicament.

We can assist clients from Maidstone, Sevenoaks, Tunbridge Wells, across Kent, London and the South East, people residing within England and Wales as well as those who are based overseas and seeking an English divorce or those experiencing issues with children arrangements.

As a first step, contact us for a confidential, fixed-fee consultation on +44 (0)1622 815940.

More importantly, if you find yourself in a situation where these behaviours are getting out of hand, constituting emotional abuse, there are many other sources that may be beneficial to you. We have provided a few below.